When Elon Musk announced his plans to create a time machine back in April of 2016, many in the scientific community were skeptical of the entrepreneur’s ability to take on such a formidable task. Despite the reservations, many in attendance at the press conference waited curiously as he took the stage to unveil his newest project:
“Hey Guys,” he addressed the crowd, “So, you remember when I shot a Tesla into space? Well, my buddies and I were talking, and we decided we’re gonna make, like, a really badass time machine; and then we’re gonna, like, send a Tesla back in time.”
While many celebrated Musk’s ambition to be the first to bend time and space, the project known as TimeXXX, was not without its criticisms. In the weeks following the press conference, many physicists and academics came forward condemning not the seemingly impossible task of creating a time machine, but rather the CEO’s decision to send one of his Tesla Cybertrucks into the unknown frontier of time. One such group, Physicists United Sharing Science for Youth, drafted an open letter to Mr. Musk, urging him to reconsider his decision:
“We, proud members of Physicists United Sharing Science for Youth, strongly discourage Elon Musk for his choice to send a Tesla Cybertruck back in time. If such a task as creating a time machine should succeed, we plead with Mr. Musk that he considers the incredible possibilities that could be presented as a result. As such, we here at P.U.S.S.Y. ask that instead of a Tesla Cybertruck, he elects to send Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to the year 1988; where he could convince an eight-year-old Macaulay Culkin to use his adorable boyish charm to influence global climate policy, and thus, save us from an almost assured destruction. If Mr. Musk searches his heart, we believe he will know it to be true. The only logical conclusion is to send Dwayne Johnson into the past.”
In a brief statement, Mr. Musk took to Twitter to respond to the group’s criticism:
“Kiss my nuts, chode-lickers. Get your own time machine.”
The years following his announcement were quiet and shroud with mystery, until August of 2018, when the world was given their first indication of progress from TimeXXX. In the early morning hours of August 16th, Los Angeles police responded to multiple calls reporting a man on horseback alerting local residents of an approaching enemy. When officers caught up with the equestrian, the man introduced himself as Paul Revere. One of the first responding officers recalled the event to a local newspaper:
“Well, when we arrived on scene, it took a considerable amount of convincing to get the man to dismount from his horse. He was clearly distressed, and very disoriented. Kept saying irrational things like the British were gonna get us, and that the colonists needed to rise up. Really strange shit. We just figured he was on dust. I mean, it’s Los Angeles, crazy stuff like that happens all the time. So after a brief pursuit on foot, we finally got him to the ground and tased him a few times, and that took the fight right out of him.”
When police got the man back to central booking, officers were shocked to be met by Elon Musk and his team from TimeXXX. They explained that the man they had in custody was, in fact, Paul Revere; and that he had escaped from their testing facility only hours earlier.
Reports immediately began circulating, with many calling the arrest an elaborate hoax devised by Musk to either garner interest for his time travel program, or to possibly warn local residents of the impending release of the horrific and widely panned 2019 film, Cats. All doubts were squashed, however, when Musk assured reporters that Revere was the first measure of success for the TimeXXX program, and even went so far as to let the American patriot himself make a statement to the press:
“I’ve not the slightest imagining of where I am. This is most strange, indeed; but please, someone must alert the colonists! Without my warning, they will most surely be vanquished!”
Reflecting the fascination that reporters and the public alike had with Musk’s incredible achievement, one man in the crowd could only find so many words to describe the event:
“Well that’s pretty cool.”
It wasn’t but a year and a half later, in February of 2020, that Elon Musk announced TimeXXX had finally achieved their goal of sending a Tesla Cybertruck into the past, specifically 28 AD. When asked why he chose that period of time, Mr. Musk responded:
“Cause we thought it’d be funny.”
And when asked how the public would know if he really sent a Cybertruck into the past, his answer was short and to the point:
“Oh, you’ll know.”
Sure enough, not a week after his announcement, Christians worldwide began reporting the appearance of strange passages in their bibles, such as the book of Matthew, where Jesus was referenced, “rolling up in a sweet-ass ride” to pick up the “dirty dozen squad.”
TimeXXX had proved the impossible possible, and celebrations around the world followed in the days since the confirmation. The discovery inspired many to hypothesize what other fantastic achievements could be pursued given this newfound technology. Though, where there are opportunities, there are also challenges, one of which no one could have predicted. In the days following Musk’s crowning accomplishment, he announced that he would be shutting the project down, effective immediately. Understandably, the outcry from the public was swift and unyielding. When asked why he would deprive the world of such an extraordinary tool, the entrepreneur told reporters that the project was, “starting to get gay,” and that it was, “not that funny anymore.”
In a saga that was rife with drama and contention, Elon Musk has proven against all odds, that time travel is no longer a distant dream, but rather a true scientific reality; so long as someone else can get it figured out. The world will look back on the success of TimeXXX as one of the most significant achievements mankind has ever accomplished. As for Elon Musk, the horizon is forever expanding, the limits of which are only created by our inability to look beyond ourselves. Mr. Musk continues to look beyond, and has since already declared his next project:
“I dunno, maybe I’ll, like, send a Tesla into the Mariana Trench or something.”
Godspeed, Mr. Musk.
*This story originally appeared on The Spoof.