Earlier this morning, White House officials addressed the nation in a press conference and confirmed that Kim Jong-Un, leader of the most tyrannical government in the world, was once an adorable Asian baby. The shocking evidence disproves the commonly held belief that the dictator had emerged from the pits of Isengard under the command of the dark wizard Saruman.
“Last night we were provided concerning information gathered during a joint intelligence operation between various allied governments,” said the visibly disgruntled White House official. “While much of the intelligence remains classified, we do believe it is the right of the American people to be informed of issues that directly influence their daily lives. With that said, we now have photo evidence that proves North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un was once, in fact, a tiny Asian infant.” The official then took a moment to collect himself before continuing with trembling hands. “And I’m afraid it is also my duty to announce… he’s just the cutest thing you’ve ever seen.”
The bombshell caused a commotion among the reporters present in the room, who began to scream in fear and shout questions out of turn.
“Sir! Sir! Did he have rosy cheeks?!” asked one.
The official held himself with poise, “Well, at this time the quality of the photos currently offer little in the way of color, but we can confirm the cheeks were chubby and the desire to pinch them was practically irresistible.”
“Sir! Will the White House be releasing the photos to the public?!” asked another.
“I’m afraid that after reviewing the photos, we determined it would be best to keep them from the public eye,” the official announced. “Two of the photos melted the heart of our top operative, so it’s not a risk we’re willing to take.”
When asked if any of the photos contained childlike whimsy or candid precocious expressions, the official had this to say, “There is definitely a limit as to what details I’m authorized to disclose, but one of the photos did feature a rocking horse and a novelty size lollipop.” He spoke through clenched teeth as he continued, “It was the sweetest fucking thing that I’ve ever laid my eyes on.”
Awarded the final question for the conference, one reporter dug to the heart of the issue, “Now that this new evidence has come to light, does President Trump have any plans to release his baby photos to the public?”
The official answered in turn, “I’m unaware of any plans the President has to disclose his baby photos to the public at this time. But he has assured us he is just as childlike and innocent now as he was then. Thank you all for your time.”
While many questions remain unanswered, one thing is now for certain: North Korea’s leader was not the creation of a dark wizard seeking control of The One Ring.
More on this story as it develops.
*This story originally appeared on The Spoof.