Following Airline Tragedy, Red Bull Will No Longer Give You Wings

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The National Transportation Safety Board reached the conclusion of their investigation of flight 267 today, reporting that the aircraft’s left engine had suffered a catastrophic failure after a 6’2, 34-year-old man with wings crossed the plane’s flight path.

The investigation corroborates eyewitness reports on the ground, who said that the man, identified as San Jose resident Brandon Enzinger, had phenomenally sprouted wings after drinking a Red Bull energy beverage.

“We were coming back from lunch,” recalled Mike Boyd, a friend and co-worker of Brandon’s. “He said he needed some pep, so he chugged a Red Bull, and next thing I know he’s levitating above us like some sort of superhero.”

According to Boyd, two sets of wings grew from Brandon’s heels and proceeded to lift him off of the ground. “He was amazed – I mean, we all were, we cheered him on. He just kept going higher. You know that scene in Willy Wonka when Charlie drinks the soda and floats uncontrollably toward that big fan? That was basically what happened, except Charlie was Brandon, and the fan was a Boeing 737.” When asked to recount the details of the crash itself, Boyd stated, “Well, he got sucked into a fucking jet engine.”

The NTSB investigation revealed that when Enzinger collided with the engine, his large frame and body mass created what aircraft mechanics have described as a “meat pie” – a catastrophic mix of flesh and bone that will spell disaster for any aircraft.

Outrage has poured in since the incident, but the company is not alone when it comes to stirring up controversy. In fact, Monster Energy has also come under fire recently after a bevy of reports revealed that consumers had been transforming into werewolves and mercilessly beating their wives. While they have yet to make a public statement, experts have suggested that the lycanthropic side-effect may be attributed to the drink’s demographic, which is primarily made up of white men in their late-20s with an affinity for dirt bikes, Kottonmouth Kings, and the movie Alpha Dog.

Even the relative newcomer, Bang Energy, has had to adjust its business model. The company was forced to alter its recipe after the original was deemed a Class-A narcotic by the DEA. The decision was made following the infamous “Rainbow Unicorn Incident”, in which 15-year-old Trevor Brooks managed to obliterate half a city block after ingesting a can of the bubblegum-flavored drink.

The tragedy of flight 267 is only the most recent in a string of events that have brought to question the necessity of energy drinks, with many wondering if the risks are even worth the below average taste that they provide. In a response to the investigation and the crash, Red Bull released the following statement:

“We here at Red Bull are super-sorry about your dead family members. This most recent event does not represent the values and culture that we’ve built here at Red Bull. Red Bull isn’t really a drink, it’s an idea; created by children. Going forward, we have decided to discontinue the old Red Bull and bring you…the new Red Bull, which promises to be a safer Red Bull, without compromising the satisfying and refreshing flavor that you’ve come to know from Red Bull. Enjoy Red Bull. Fuck you.”

Backlash mounted online after the statement’s release, criticizing that the announcement was tone-deaf, and did little in the way to bring closure to the victims and their families. Acknowledging the criticism, Red Bull followed up on the statement by promising to donate all 2% of the proceeds to black-owned businesses.

On the heels of the investigation, and looking down the barrel of a time-consuming and expensive legal battle, only time will tell if Red Bull will ever be able to fully recover. In the meantime, a recall has been issued for Old Red Bull, while New Red Bull is slated to hit shelves on March 15th.

*This story originally appeared on The Spoof.

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