In a candid one-on-one interview, Satan, the prince of darkness and ruler of all seven circles of Hell, confirmed that he is uncomfortable with the overwhelming success he’s acheived in the realm of mortals. While his influence had always been prevalent, he has confirmed that he feels “insecure” regarding Hell’s infrastructure and ability to house the increasing number of fallen souls arriving every second.
“You have to understand,” he began, pausing to take a sip from his molten-sulfur-chai-tea latte, “when God cast me down here, he gave me a kingdom of darkness to rule over, and this kingdom only has so much square-footage. At first, the demons and I were psyched; our pad, our rules, y’know? We used to have the most bitchin parties, man, and every now and then, a grip of lost souls would plop down here to provide some entertainment.”
He continued, “Then the mortals began playing rock and roll, which lead to the whole hippy, “free love” movement of the 60s. All of a sudden, we had souls falling in record numbers as mortals began to embrace their primal desires: having sex with each other without regard for their own well-being, consuming catastrophic amounts of drugs, ringing doorbells and running off, seriously fucked-up shit.”
“We had to start delegating responsibility over the damned, which was a real buzzkill,” said Lucifer. “Then there was the metal movement of the 70s and 80s, which brought about the Norwegian black metal scene, and thus, the church burnings. While there was some kickass music, the old crew wasn’t able to hang out like we used to, everyone was too busy torturing and burning condemned souls.”
The influx of souls would only increase further over time as mankind began to lose their grasp over their own humanity. Terrorism, school shootings, Pokemon Go, all the variables leading to man’s eternal demise seemingly multiplied year over year. The Devil soon grew disenchanted with his goal of being the dominant ruler of the afterlife.
“The whole competition with God over the direction of mankind is played out. It used to be fun – possess a teenager here, terrorize a family with flickering lights there, we were able to get creative. Now these assholes just damn themselves without any direction from us. We had to start construction on a new circle just to house these degenerates.”
The situation in Hell has deteriorated to the point that Satan has begun to look for solutions elsewhere. “I like that Trump guy up there, I think he’s onto something with that wall idea. Some of the demons and I have been tossing around a similar plan. We’d build our own wall to prevent the seemingly endless amount of souls from entering, and have God pay for their salvation. Something needs to happen, because this shit is not sustainable.”
While things seem bleak for the Lake Of Fire, it’s horned leader isn’t calling it quits just yet. “I’m tired, man, I really am, and some days it can really get to me. But when I come home and see my precious hellhounds devouring the flesh of a screaming Justin Bieber fan, it reminds me why I got into this. It’s just the process of getting older, y’know? Growing pains, I guess. Speaking of which, I can’t wait to get ahold of that Kirk Cameron – boy, will he be in for a real shock,” he stated with hopeful excitement. “See? There are still good times to be found, but it’s ultimately up to me to find them. Gandhi taught me that.”
With the construction of a new circle, and the endless rounds of flesh-ripping torture, Satan has struggled to find his identity in the midst of his success, but is gradually building his confidence again. He believes that with the love and support of his friends, he can and will grow into a better First Of The Fallen today than he was yesterday.
*This story originally appeared on The Spoof