Earlier today, St. Jude Children’s Hospital confirmed that they will be debuting their much anticipated “Little Miss Cancer Pageant”. Children under the age of sixteen are encouraged to sign up prior to the December 1st deadline, so long as they are stricken with a potentially fatal and catastrophic disease.
Event organizer, Vicky Vita, the 6th runner-up to the 2003 Miss Arkansas pageant, spoke with us about the development of her vision, “When I was competing for the title of “Miss Arkansas”, I had the incredible photo opportunity to meet with the children of St. Jude in Little Rock,” she said with a single reluctant tear in her eye. “It was there that I met the sweetest little girl–I forget the name–but she looked up at me with the most beautiful sunken eyes and said, “please…please help me.” That was the moment I knew that all of these poor, sick, gut-wrenching children deserved to be treated like normal, everyday, objectified pieces of meat.”
The pageant, which many believe will be a “life-altering” success, will include three primary categories: An interview category, where they will detail their fight for survival and their thoughts on gun control; a “hospital wear” category, where contestants will strut their stuff or show their sass from the comfort of a wheelchair while draped in the latest designer-brand patient robes; and finally, a talent portion, which will be judged based on each child’s ability not to throw up or collapse during their various renditions of “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion.
Even more exciting than the opportunity for the cancer-ridden children to forget about death for a while, is the panel of judges that makes us wish that we too were young again and cast down by the cruel truth of mortality. In the first spot is none other than the star of the Back To The Future franchise and Parkinson’s sufferer, Michael J. Fox, who is “shaking with anticipation” to participate. The second spot will be filled by comedian and actor Andy Dick, who has said the opportunity, “doesn’t seem real,” and is, “totally psyched”; rounding off the panel, and possibly the most celebrated of the judges, is the time-defying ghost of Amy Winehouse, who could only cry black tar from her eyes and speak in an indescribable moan.
With sponsors like Ziplock, who just unveiled their new line of reusable intravenous therapy bags; and Peter Pyre’s Headstone Palace, where they have been “burying high prices six feet under since 1983”, this is an event not to be missed.
So get the loved ones together for this once in a lifetime event and appreciate the rapidly fleeting moments you have remaining at St. Jude Children’s Hospital “Little Miss Cancer Pageant”. Tickets to go on sale next month.
*This story originally appeared on The Spoof