Three Killed In Care Bear Melee

Photo by LT Chan on

What started as a quiet day for employees of Midway Credit Union quickly turned to chaos when Pro Life and Pro Choice protesters clashed. The melee, which lasted for approximately 20 minutes and accounted for $3,000 in damage, was allegedly started by a group of well-intentioned Care Bears. The bears, who fled the scene, were identified by detailed birthmarks on their bellies and are now wanted by authorities for questioning. Meanwhile, concerned citizens left in the wake continue to try to make sense of the violence.

According to Bernice Wilson, a teller at Midway Bank, the protesters arrived shortly after noon. “I remember it vividly,” she said. “I had just finished lunch and left the break room when I saw a crowd of people outside.” Bernice then says she approached the windows for a closer look, “And that’s when I saw that Pro Life and Pro Choice protesters were screaming at each other outside the windows.”

A fellow employee, Fred Aiken, was coming from the bathrooms when he saw the crowd, “I’ll be honest, I’m still a little confused why they showed up here,” he said. “I mean, this is a credit union, not Planned Parenthood.” When asked if he felt if there was a motive, he told reporters, “Well, Carissa did get wasted and cry quite a bit at the Christmas party last year, something about an abortion, maybe they caught wind of that.” (Carissa denied to comment when reached for a statement regarding her conduct at the Christmas party last year, and her alleged abortion.)

By the time Bernice finished lunch and Fred returned from the bathroom, tensions in the crowd had broiled to a breaking point. It was at this time that witnesses report seeing a rainbow extend from “out of nowhere,” and serve as some sort of delightful slide, facilitating the cheerful little bears descent from on high. Upon their arrival, they reportedly announced in unison that they had come from “Care-a-lot”, and began to inquire as to what the crowd was, “so riled up about.”

Multiple sources have confirmed that as the adorable bears attempted to mitigate the situation, each group began to shout over each other and quickly became physical. The bears were seen holding paws and forming a “Care Bear Chain” in an attempt to separate the opposing groups. Then, in what witnesses have described as a “desperate show of force”, the Care Bears allegedly conjured heart-shaped fireworks from their tummies and began shooting them mercilessly into the crowd. One man who was struck was heard screaming, “Maybe we shouldn’t dehumanize people who disagree!”

Threatened and afraid of the jovial little devils and their sorcery, the crowd violently erupted and began to tear each other apart, much to the horror of the employees inside Midway Credit Union. “It was terrible,” said Bernice of the situation. “As we barricaded the doors I saw the bears crawl out from the crowd, chunks of fur were missing, they were in a bad way.”

Outside, onlookers reported seeing the bears convene with each other. One witness, Greg Reilly, was on his way to Applebee’s when he came upon the violence and heard the bear’s conversation. “I was just headed to Bee’s for some happy hour fajitas when I saw the fight break out. Then these colorful bear cubs came together in front of me and started yelling at each other. They didn’t seem to know what to do; one of them suggested calling the ‘Care Bear Cousins’, but the blue one didn’t like the idea.”

According to Greg, the blue bear claimed that “the last thing this crowd needs is more anthropomorphic animals teaching valuable life lessons”, and that “Funshine Bear” was “full of shit”.

“Then they began to argue among themselves about which group of protesters was morally superior,” Greg said. “This only created a rift between the little guys, you know? They started picking sides and shouting over each other, and that’s when one of them tried that tummy magic shit.”

Multiple witnesses were able to corroborate Greg Reilly’s statement, and all confirmed that the bears “went fucking ballistic”, and “started ripping each other apart, prison style”. What was an already chaotic situation turned deadly as the Care Bear brawl spilled into the crowd of already violent protesters. Confronted once again by another beating from the giants they were once indebted to help, the magical bears turned on the crowd.

Authorities arrived on the scene at the time of the attack, Officer Thomas Perry was the first to respond. “Words can’t describe what I saw,” Officer Perry told reporters. “It wasn’t just the sight, it was the smell. Jesus Christ I’ll never forget the smell. The crowd was scattering in different directions; they were terrified. That’s when I saw. There was so much blood, and these little bears were soaked in it.” Officer Perry was unable finish his statement due to illness.

Police Chief Linda Madigan spoke at a press conference shortly after the incident and announced that the Care Bears had escaped by summoning clouds to propel them back to “Care-a-lot”. She made a point to the press that “what happened today was catastrophic, a tragedy that never should have occurred, and will not happen again. We will not rest until those monstrous little Care Bears are brought to justice.”

Authorities have urged anyone with information about the furry and elusive necromancers to contact the police. We will have more on this story as it develops.

*This story originally appeared on The Spoof.

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